You ever have a guy tell you that you are punishing him for something someone else did?
One of my best friends had that conversation with a co-worker. She didn't know how to respond but she knew that wasn't the case. I concur and I'll tell you why.
I often see women react instead of act. There is always an action from their man that causes a reaction. Women analyze things deeply and pay attention to every detail. If your on a date and you phone is on vibrate or silent but you keep getting calls, a woman will think like this: "Only a woman will call back to back like that unless it's an emergency and men don't have emergency calls from anyone other than their mom or child. He keeps ignoring the call so it's not an emergency but someone or woman wants his attention. I know it for a fact because this was the case with 3 other boyfriends and it happened the same exact way". See fellas? When you think they are just jealous or dwelling on the past, its really a matter of you having the same behavior as a previous lover. You're not that guy but you're acting just like him. We aren't as blind as you would like us to be.
When a woman is punishing you for something another man did, it's usually her father not a boyfriend although it does happen that way sometimes and it usually shows in the way of a gold digger. A gold digger is after your money because she watched her father leave her mother penniless and she had to work hard to provide for her children or she had a boyfriend who manipulated her into being a cash cow and abused her emotions and generosity. If you are dating a trophy, this is highly likely.
If you are in a relationship with a lady who suspects you of cheating and you have no time to cheat, your phone isn't always ringing, she already knows your social network and personal friends, etc. yet, you are still a suspect... then you have a different problem. You are giving someone other than her your peak time and inner-most thoughts or something that you don't give to her. If you tell you're mother or a friend everything but keep the conversation with her very vague, you will be a suspect in some cases. Even if you have a therapist you tell it all to but not to her, she will feel you don't trust her and if she feels that way, she will be thinking you trust someone else. Those parts of you belong to her by title alone if nothing else. That's not a punishment - it's a reaction to you withholding parts of yourself, or exuding the attributes of a previous cheater. Be good to each other.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
TMI!!
TMI! Or too much information. We all use the phrase. I just watched "I Love You... Man!" I noticed in the movie Zoe tells every single detail of her relationship to her girlfriends and sees nothing wrong with it but has a problem with her fiance telling his newly found best friend 1 simple but important detail about their sex life. What's the problem?
I'm married and find I tell my friends way too much. I even talk about the intimate details that should probably remain between us. That's not good - Especially if its something bad. I owe my husband an apology. If I tell everyone about the wrong he does they will not be so easily to forgive as I because they are not in love with him, I am. They will be more so against him because they feel that he betrayed the trust they had of him being good to me.
If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be furious at him for telling the intimate details of our relationship to his friends. They only have 1 side of the story. That isn't fair. We ladies have a habit of being too open with our friends and not open enough with our men. I feel convicted. Ladies you know your friends will talk. They will tell everyone else. I'll keep more to myself.
I'm married and find I tell my friends way too much. I even talk about the intimate details that should probably remain between us. That's not good - Especially if its something bad. I owe my husband an apology. If I tell everyone about the wrong he does they will not be so easily to forgive as I because they are not in love with him, I am. They will be more so against him because they feel that he betrayed the trust they had of him being good to me.
If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be furious at him for telling the intimate details of our relationship to his friends. They only have 1 side of the story. That isn't fair. We ladies have a habit of being too open with our friends and not open enough with our men. I feel convicted. Ladies you know your friends will talk. They will tell everyone else. I'll keep more to myself.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Difference Between Sex and Making Love
A friend once asked me if I believed there to be a difference between having sex and making love. I answered yes. Now let me clarify:
Having Sex-
When having sex, the first thing I think of is the kinky things. S&M comes to mind. It's planned and deliberate. It makes me take my time to carry out a fantasy and even role play. Dress up in some daunting costume and pretend or act even. It also makes me tease. Its the excitement of the foreplay rather than what comes afterwards that is highlighted.
Fucking-
Sorry you had to see that word Mom. That is when you are sexually frustrated and have loads of pinned up aggression looking to come out. You need to feel your spouse (partner) and you're just in it to finish. No emotional involvement.
Making Love-
This is where the passion comes in. You desire that person because your in love. The fact that eventually you will exert yourself (ejaculate) is irrelevant. You just want to express the inward emotion you feel for this person. You want to physically show your spouse (partner) that you love them. There is romance in the beginning, passion and love in the middle, and pillow talk at the end. You hold each other. Gaze in each other's eyes. You make promises to love that person the same way or even more through eternity. That's the difference. Hope it makes sense to you.
Having Sex-
When having sex, the first thing I think of is the kinky things. S&M comes to mind. It's planned and deliberate. It makes me take my time to carry out a fantasy and even role play. Dress up in some daunting costume and pretend or act even. It also makes me tease. Its the excitement of the foreplay rather than what comes afterwards that is highlighted.
Fucking-
Sorry you had to see that word Mom. That is when you are sexually frustrated and have loads of pinned up aggression looking to come out. You need to feel your spouse (partner) and you're just in it to finish. No emotional involvement.
Making Love-
This is where the passion comes in. You desire that person because your in love. The fact that eventually you will exert yourself (ejaculate) is irrelevant. You just want to express the inward emotion you feel for this person. You want to physically show your spouse (partner) that you love them. There is romance in the beginning, passion and love in the middle, and pillow talk at the end. You hold each other. Gaze in each other's eyes. You make promises to love that person the same way or even more through eternity. That's the difference. Hope it makes sense to you.
Racism and Interracial Love... So it Begins
Let me get a few things off my chest. I'm a black American married to an English British man. We met online years ago the rest is history. If anyone close to me reads this. I want you to know mention of either of our nationality does not have to arise EVERY time we meet or speak. The mention of me being married to a "slave owner", "the MAN", or a pink penis boils my blood.
Also, to my friends that are white or of passingly fair skin- I do NOT consider myself African American. I consider myself black. To me, an African American is an immigrant from Africa with a green card. I was born here. Black represents the unknown. There was much slavery on both sides of my family and loads of interracial breeding. The most immediate known race on my mother's side is Iroquois! I'm too mixed up to know exactly what I am. I just easily associate with African to the eye because of my skin tone. My hair texture differs from the average west African. I'm lots of things but I am a legal native born American. Call me black if you must put me in a box.
Now, why did I marry a white man? I married him because he stuck around long enough to love me genuinely and make me a priority. I am a plus size diva with big boobs and a generally flat butt. Most black men pay me no attention and ask me about my sister who does have a big round butt. Most black men go for big booties not breast. When my husband and I walk down the street together it shocks people. My neighbor's little son loves me but is encouraged to stay away from me just as often as his father sees me with my husband. Why? He is a man who loves me and just happens to be white.
To the black men... Where were you when I was single? Oh- I remember- you were either making insulting jokes behind me as if I can't hear you or asking me for my sister's number! Did I want you? I did. All the men with jobs and no need to ask me for my money were after a trophy or wouldn't go on a date with me but would secretly sleep with me when bored.
I've always been told it was because I'm fat but I doubt it. I've seen plenty of big ladies twice my size with sexy men. The only ones that wanted me were ones who needed some kind of help. My black girlfriends would say I don't go to the right places to find men. Well I don't go to the hood to look for them. Most of the club attention was from other women and on the street and in the stores the men were twice my age at least. I don't want a man who's children are my age. Don't act shocked when you see me with my white man. Just remember 1 man's trash is another man's treasure. Someone loved me- just not you.
To my sisters... Don't hate! I'm not with him because he pays the bills. Truth be told, we split the rent and phone/Internet. We share them. I'm not a housewife yet. Its not so we can have pretty babies either. I could make a pretty baby with anyone. I have good genes. We all come out with curly hair, no acne, and muscles. We're built that way. Just know I got tired of loaning money I never get back and never being taken on a date because I'm not music video "phat". I'm with a white man because the conversation was good and the attitude was genuine on both ends.
To my family and closest friends... I really don't want to hear your racial comments. Especially you! I have to face the rest of the world. Why should I not expect comfort from you? You should be my safe haven. Saying things racial makes both of us uncomfortable, not just him.I didn't attack you with gay comments when you were confused. I kept my opinions to myself about gay relationships. Remember Aaron and Marian were stricken with leprosy when they spoke against Moses' Ethiopian wife. He could do the same to you.
To everyone in the world... Love is blind. It has no idea that people war over black and white. It just hits you. It isn't important! The only thing that is important is that you love each other and put each other 1st after God only also that you work hard to stay together because life is 4 times harder without someone to have your back.
Also, to my friends that are white or of passingly fair skin- I do NOT consider myself African American. I consider myself black. To me, an African American is an immigrant from Africa with a green card. I was born here. Black represents the unknown. There was much slavery on both sides of my family and loads of interracial breeding. The most immediate known race on my mother's side is Iroquois! I'm too mixed up to know exactly what I am. I just easily associate with African to the eye because of my skin tone. My hair texture differs from the average west African. I'm lots of things but I am a legal native born American. Call me black if you must put me in a box.
Now, why did I marry a white man? I married him because he stuck around long enough to love me genuinely and make me a priority. I am a plus size diva with big boobs and a generally flat butt. Most black men pay me no attention and ask me about my sister who does have a big round butt. Most black men go for big booties not breast. When my husband and I walk down the street together it shocks people. My neighbor's little son loves me but is encouraged to stay away from me just as often as his father sees me with my husband. Why? He is a man who loves me and just happens to be white.
To the black men... Where were you when I was single? Oh- I remember- you were either making insulting jokes behind me as if I can't hear you or asking me for my sister's number! Did I want you? I did. All the men with jobs and no need to ask me for my money were after a trophy or wouldn't go on a date with me but would secretly sleep with me when bored.
I've always been told it was because I'm fat but I doubt it. I've seen plenty of big ladies twice my size with sexy men. The only ones that wanted me were ones who needed some kind of help. My black girlfriends would say I don't go to the right places to find men. Well I don't go to the hood to look for them. Most of the club attention was from other women and on the street and in the stores the men were twice my age at least. I don't want a man who's children are my age. Don't act shocked when you see me with my white man. Just remember 1 man's trash is another man's treasure. Someone loved me- just not you.
To my sisters... Don't hate! I'm not with him because he pays the bills. Truth be told, we split the rent and phone/Internet. We share them. I'm not a housewife yet. Its not so we can have pretty babies either. I could make a pretty baby with anyone. I have good genes. We all come out with curly hair, no acne, and muscles. We're built that way. Just know I got tired of loaning money I never get back and never being taken on a date because I'm not music video "phat". I'm with a white man because the conversation was good and the attitude was genuine on both ends.
To my family and closest friends... I really don't want to hear your racial comments. Especially you! I have to face the rest of the world. Why should I not expect comfort from you? You should be my safe haven. Saying things racial makes both of us uncomfortable, not just him.I didn't attack you with gay comments when you were confused. I kept my opinions to myself about gay relationships. Remember Aaron and Marian were stricken with leprosy when they spoke against Moses' Ethiopian wife. He could do the same to you.
To everyone in the world... Love is blind. It has no idea that people war over black and white. It just hits you. It isn't important! The only thing that is important is that you love each other and put each other 1st after God only also that you work hard to stay together because life is 4 times harder without someone to have your back.
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